Thursday, June 09, 2005

Let Me Bend Over Here

I'd like to take a moment to share with you a few of the charges listed in the itemized hospital bill that I received after BabyJuJu's birth. Those of you with children will not be surprised and those of you without, can you fucking believe this?! Bullet form, of course...

*Heel Hugger Warmer (basically a piece of warm padded velcro that fits snugly around the baby's heel to warm it prior to a needle-stick test) $15.00

*Generic Baby Wipes $5.00

*Oops! yet another Heel Hugger Warmer $15.00

*Diaper Rash Ointment (I don't recall them using any of that...) 5 mg. $4.54

*Private Room $2771.00

*Pharmacy $491.00 (the Percocet wasn't that good)

*Labor and Delivery $4666.00

*Emergency Room (I actually went in thinking I had a bladder infection with severe back pain) $242.00

*Laboratory/Pathological (huh?) $133.00

*All Inclusive Ancillaries $206.00

*Nursery $1466.00

*Pharmacy (?) $21.14

*Audiology $137.00

*More Ancillary Crap $7.00 (what is the point?)

*More Lab Crap $201.00

*More Nursery $1100.00 (Sale that day? Maybe Maddie used some Marriott points)

*More Lab Crap $56.50

*Take Home Supplies and Drugs $65.00 (for what? some motrin?)

*More Lab Crap $745.75

*Newborn Initial Care (visit from our pediatrician) $217.00

*More Lab Crap $237.00

*More Lab Crap $91.40

*Anesthesia (the epidural, I assume...the one I didn't want in the first place but was pushed into getting, the one that made me puke in front of my husband for the first time, or rather ON my husband) $1520.00

*Shitty shampoo and conditioner $1234.000

*Band-Aids that leave yucky goo behind for weeks $5678.000

*Flat Diet Sprite $9000.00 times 6

*Industrial Stop-a-flood-in-it's-tracks sized feminine napkins (I don't think I have ever wrote "feminine napkins" before) $5 gazillion dollars

I'll stop there, you get the point. To take the cake? They submitted all of the claims before Maddie was added to the insurance, so now I need to call 5 thousand people to resubmit claims now that she is insured. Otherwise, as you can see...we would need to sell our next child to pay this bill. (Did I say "next child"? Ha! That lack of sleep is really getting to me!)

(edit: why does Blogger refuse to publish my bullets?!)

(edit 2: all are accurate charges with the exception of the last four, I know it is hard to see the difference between my made-up charges and the actuals)